Marie came home early from work because she was sick. She looked very pale and yellow at the same time. While I finished working and Amelia finished her nap Marie slept on the couch and I let her be. Things are fine between us. Not fine in the “it’s bad but I’m willing to put up with it,” but fine in the sense of “this is a good place to rest on.”
We talked and I explained how I was feeling. Sometimes I don’t need anything actionable as recompense, and even then I’m not looking for payback. I’m looking for growth and signs of change that lend to permanent healthy habits. Talking openly and freely is one of those. It got bad in the past because we were too scared to talk to each other, and as those unspoken feelings festered our coping mechanisms rotted with them.
I am not perfect. I have hurt Marie in the past and damaged her trust. She has done the same to me. I think her action can be seen as worse and more damaging in the long run, but in the end it’s a zero sum game. If I hold a grudge over the person I want to love and want to grow with, then I am poisoning my own soil; I am corrupting my soul.
There is plenty of room for anger in our lives, and trying to stifle it only leads to someone getting burned. So, in the end, being able to vent silently in order to open up a conversation about what I am feeling underneath the anger helps me manage it all together. It helps me take each day one step at a time and worry about how I can give back to the world so it’s easier to take our own happiness from it.
Love you mom, dad, Amelia, sis, kitty