Stayed up late last night talking to Marie about my feelings. I haven’t smoked in a while and around dinner time I spilled some butter on my pants and like really lost my cool. It wasn’t scary, but it was definitely a strong reaction to a simple issue. It really threw me off the rest of the evening. At dinner I couldn’t help but feel afraid.
Afraid that I am more dependent on chemicals to balance me out than I previously thought. It’s been about three weeks since I smoked. Yet I worry my moods shift so much because I have an imbalance that I’ve been compensating for with weed and tobacco. It kind of scares me because sometimes I feel like my mind is going so fast that I can’t catch up with it.
Truth be told I actually drank a little this morning. Got some Irish Cream yesterday and poured it into a thermos filled with chocolate almond milk. It gave me a nice little buzz in the morning but I don’t necessarily think it’s very healthy. To be more firm: I think it’s an unhealthy and dangerous thing to do. Of all my immediate family (parents and sister) I think I have the most easily addictive personality. That’s why I’ve always steered clear of gambling. Smoking is one thing but betting it all and losing is another. It scares me.
I think I am frustrated because I would want to talk about these feelings with my mom but she’s so against smoking and would make a big deal out it. Like I don’t know. Like I’m not 25 going on 26. Like I’m not aware of the long term effects of smoking. It’s just that sometimes that scares me less than having a complete and utter mental breakdown.