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Butter on my Pants


Stayed up late last night talking to Marie about my feelings. I haven’t smoked in a while and around dinner time I spilled some butter on my pants and like really lost my cool. It wasn’t scary, but it was definitely a strong reaction to a simple issue. It really threw me off the rest of the evening. At dinner I couldn’t help but feel afraid.

Afraid that I am more dependent on chemicals to balance me out than I previously thought. It’s been about three weeks since I smoked. Yet I worry my moods shift so much because I have an imbalance that I’ve been compensating for with weed and tobacco. It kind of scares me because sometimes I feel like my mind is going so fast that I can’t catch up with it.

Truth be told I actually drank a little this morning. Got some Irish Cream yesterday and poured it into a thermos filled with chocolate almond milk. It gave me a nice little buzz in the morning but I don’t necessarily think it’s very healthy. To be more firm: I think it’s an unhealthy and dangerous thing to do. Of all my immediate family (parents and sister) I think I have the most easily addictive personality. That’s why I’ve always steered clear of gambling. Smoking is one thing but betting it all and losing is another. It scares me.

I think I am frustrated because I would want to talk about these feelings with my mom but she’s so against smoking and would make a big deal out it. Like I don’t know. Like I’m not 25 going on 26. Like I’m not aware of the long term effects of smoking. It’s just that sometimes that scares me less than having a complete and utter mental breakdown. 



One thought on “Butter on my Pants

  1. Have you spoken to a psychotherapist about your smoking? Do you know why you like to smoke – why you are using it to comfort yourself? What do you like about your life? What don’t you like? Do you have a sense of purpose?
    I know, that’s a lot of questions, but questions lead to answers. Most people don’t realize they they have a purpose in life, as opposed to being dropped into the world randomly.
    Everyone has something they love to do, a compelling interest that excites them and makes them feel good, but most people ignore their inner promptings for various reasons.
    I’m a psychotherapist, and I’m interested in what motivates addiction. No, I’m not seeking clients. I’m retired, but I have some ideas about addiction, and one of them is perhaps people who have addictions lack a sense of purpose and fulfillment in their lives.
    I’ve done some research into addiction, and may pursue it further and write about it in my blog.
    I can tell you deeply want to overcome your addiction, and I wish you blessings and success in doing that. I know it’s tough. Inner growth is tough, but the rewards are priceless.


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