Help I Want to Be

7-13-22

I am not myself in the middle of the night, much as I try to be.

Since the baby has been born I’ve been handling him during the day while Marie takes most of the night shifts. I will still wake up to help change the boy or give him some food, but I am altogether unhelpful in a certain state.

If I’m not fully awake I’m a huge jerk. I’m not all too pleasant have been just awoken but at least I’m awake. If I exist in that twilight state where your mind is awake but your body is taking steps to not be (closing/squinting eyes while walking; dragging you back to the bed against your own will) then I just feel the asshole turn on.

Maybe that’s not fair to myself. I think I just know I’m not as patient when I’m not awake. I asked Marie to please wake me up fully when she needs something in the middle of the night so she doesn’t sacrifice her sleep too much, but also so I can be the help I want to be.

-E.B.