7-22-22
Today was a little more exhausting than the others. A lovely Friday, nonetheless, but damn do I wish I could just hang with my boy.
Maybe it’s just the end of the week and everything has piled up. Maybe it’s the fact that Marie’s family is coming back tonight and will spend the night. Maybe it’s the fact I have up smoking and caffeine cold turkey 48 hours period. I couldn’t say. All I know is I was beat. Like more than tired—exhausted at a physical and mental level.
In the end my job is fine. I’m extremely grateful to work from home right now because that means I get to take care of my baby. Only I wish that I could just take care of my baby. I want to know my day can be spent providing love, rather than my day spent providing a company labor so they can partially compensate my effort. Work’s fine, I’m just tired.
Had a great evening with Amelia, though. It’s crazy to think about, but when I envision my actions with an underlying smile/tinge of kindness it completely changes my mood. And I have my four year old daughter to thank for that! What a blessing it is to have young eyes to tell you your flaws. I appreciate it, truly. Even if it is hard to hear.
I just took what she said—smiling more, listening more, more tickles, and more patience—and urged myself to try. I think it helped that the fog from smoking and caffeine sort of lifted so any frustration I would have from “withdrawal” (not literally but like the adjustment of going without) was not as pressing an issue. Or, rather, a lot of introspection and effort over the past couple of years has made it so the frustration is more easily dealt with.
I don’t bottle it up anymore. I learn to sip the bitter liquid at times when my life offers me a bit of a honey chaser.
-E.B.
Ed Boy 