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Blew my Top


Holy fuck it was a rough and tumble day that, halfway through, I would have started over if possible.

Fucking shit ass day. I felt like such a piece of shit. Had a breakdown in the morning because Ollie was flipping out and nothing I was doing was helping and it made me feel like shit. But I didn’t want to ask for help because I’m stubborn and didn’t want to accept defeat. More, I didn’t want to ask for help for fear it would make me look like a bad partner. Didn’t hurt him or anything, but was definitely holding him a little tighter than normal for a semblance of any sort of control. Cried next to Marie as she soothed the boy in the light twilight of the very early morning.

Tapered out the rest of the morning and then went out to help Amelia skateboard. Five minutes in we’re doing good and then about 45 seconds later she does the splits, flips out at me, and then I just blow my stack. I’m in her face, picking her up to help her, she loses a shoe, freaks out, I set her in the grass, she freaks out more about bugs, and oh boy. I got my shit together, apologized, and then got us back on track. By the time we finished we were at least in a better spot. She tried more and got some hang of it but damn damn damn was I mad at myself.

The day was saved, however, by the fact that my parents rolled into town to visit the new baby (and us, of course). Talked through my feelings with Marie and my mom a bit and they helped with some perspective. It’s just been hard adjusting. However, per my mom, (and real life experience), I know it is all temporary.

To my children: sorry for being a shit. You deserve better than that from me. And for all of us I am going to try. Damn it I am going to try.


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