Holy shit today was a very hectic day. Got a lot of work done, which was fine, but also had a breakdown as my family was getting ready to leave and we were all taking photos.
I was/am just so exhausted. Not in a mad way. Just like, damn. Newborns require so much energy. Working full time with a newborn requires so much energy. Compensating to make sure your family feels comfortable and welcome while working full time and caring for a newborn requires so much god damn energy. There was a time in my life when juggling crazy amounts of work was really satisfying. Now I know it’s just grating. I can’t feel it in my body, but my attitude goes absolutely haywire.
Beyond that the smoking has gone completely from my system and I know that because I’m having dreams again. This is always the part where I go back to smoking/indulging because my dreams are sometimes too much. Not necessarily bad dreams. Haven’t had a nightmare since the last time I tried to quit smoking, and even then not for years before that. It’s just, like, I don’t want to dream? I know it’s my brain sorting through the unconscious nonsense I stuff in there, but at that same time I don’t want to watch that show. Last night’s dream included me getting stabbed, then stabbing someone else. I’m pretty sure I fought an old production manager while lava threatened to rain down on my head. How is that supposed to make me feel rested?
I will say I am going to miss my family dearly, though. I won’t miss them constantly hanging in my apartment, but I will miss them being close enough to see. We had a delicious dinner where I made my damn good ribs and everyone (vegetarian sister excluded) loved it. That made me feel good. However, as I alluded to at the beginning, the night kinda spiraled. My mom really wanted photos. I wanted to be in those photos for her. But I didn’t want to be the one dictating the pace/location/voracity of photos. I just wanted to be told where to go. Ended up spiraling to the point where I went and cried in the bathroom for a minute. My sister talked me out of it and I felt refreshed.
When they left it was a little awkward but not bad. My mom got her photos, I got to go to bed early, and the world kept turning.