There is a moment each morning when my alarm goes off and I wake up in a chilly room next to my family and things are still and nothing is expected of me. Last night Amelia slept the entire night in her bed. It was a very big accomplishment for her and I am grateful. Yet, when my alarm went off today she wasn’t there, but over in her room taking the small, daily steps toward growing up. There was melancholy in the sleep dripping from my eyes. However, within that melancholy there is a knowledge that I am sad because times are changing; sad because I can see the beauty in growth knowing one day it will surpass me.
Got to train with our new operations person today. She is very kind and I think will be a great addition to the team. My manager Eli was hardly in the office again so it felt nice to not be so alone. My only grievance (and it is not really that) is she right clicks to copy, cut, and paste instead of using the keyboard shortcuts. I made sure to emphasize that her methods are hers, and to find whatever works best for her. She’s very new, too, so I shouldn’t expect her to have a perfect flow yet.
Got a new boss at work. My old boss is still there but now there’s another boss between us which is actually really nice. More so because my old boss is technically the CEO and how in the fuck do you talk to the CEO about stuff that they just genuinely don’t care about? He says he cares but we all know he doesn’t because he’s a stingy prick. New boss stopped by and I ended up spilling a lot of my feelings about the job out of nowhere. Wanted to foster a good relationship by being forthright about my feelings both about him and the company. It made me feel better than I have in weeks. I’m not putting many eggs in their basket, but it can’t hurt to hope. Could be that it felt nice coming clean to someone who can actually foster change, or it could’ve just been a nice, free therapy session.
Investing myself in creative and liberatory activities helps bring me closer to the activist and person I want to be, especially to my daughter. But it burns me out so much. The play festival I’m coordinating is relatively low commitment, but I’m trying to make moves to get it ready and I haven’t heard anything from the producers in almost a week. It’s frustrating. Beyond that I signed up for a series of classes on how to effectively organize and confront not only our personal biases but that of the institutions we engage with, but the thought sounds so exhausting. It’s essentially a class and while I love to learn I just don’t know how far I can stretch myself. Not a bad day and not a bad problem to have. But I always wish I could do more than I am able to.
Went to High Hill ranch again. This time Marie’s parents, her sister, and her sister’s boyfriend came with. The Ranch is over in Placerville so it’s about 45 minutes or so away. They ended up leaving late which gave Marie and I enough time to finish picking up around the apartment. It was much needed. Maybe a part of my stress came from the clutter, mixed with the fact that I didn’t have the energy (or the reason) to pick anything up.
Woke up naked but sans hangover. Helped get Amelia ready for school then went back to sleep for three hours. Didn’t start doing paperwork until 11:00am, the time they’re due. Didn’t have a hangover because I was still drunk. Work was hell. Took me 2.5 hours to do a task that normally takes 45 minutes because I was reaping what I sowed. Left early so Marie and I could open our joint bank account. Walked home while she got Amelia from school. Chilled in the park for them. Marie lost her temper with Amelia and I since we take out our anger on her. I’m glad she said something. I don’t want it to get out of hand like it did before. Recovery day in more ways than one.
Finally recognized a pattern within myself. More specifically a pattern of anger and frustration that I take out on my family. It’s based around my making expectations out of an evening and expecting everyone else to follow. For example: last night I wanted to stream. Amelia and I got home from picking Marie up around 8:50, but Marie was getting ready and I was helping with Amelia so the baby girl didn’t lay down until 9:30. And I’ve been beat so I knew 9:30 was too late to start playing. So I got frustrated and used my anger as a driving point rather than just accepting defeat and trying again the next day.
I will be 26 in less than 2 weeks. That is a weird thought to me. Time continues on and I hit benchmarks as I follow it. Whenever my birthday rolls around there is a slight melancholy around it. It’s not the fact that I’m growing older, but more the realization that I don’t know what my age is supposed to mean. Obviously it’s just a tracker of the amount of times I’ve went around the sun, but that doesn’t feel right.
Not a bad day back in the office. Getting along well with the new temp worker helping with some city work. They’re a pretty cool dude and gel with my manager and I. Truth be told my friend Daniel and I planned a bowling night on Thursday and invited E. and Andre. Mainly because it was crazy expensive for solo bowlers but we’ll get unlimited with all four of us for the same price each. I’m stoked. I haven’t hung out with friends in person like this in years. Boys night!
Went back to the Cosumnes Nature Preserve with Amelia today. Last time we went there I didn’t bring a stroller and she got tired really quick, so I ended up having to carry her most of the way. It was presumptuous of me to assume a 3 year old would have the energy to hike a 2 mile loop, let alone understand the energy consumption. I remember I got really irritable toward the end because I took a wrong turn and ended up walking about a mile more with her in tow/on my shoulders. This time I brought the stroller.
The day started kind of rocky. We didn’t have time to get a sweet treat like Marie wanted last night so we planned to grab it before she went to work. However, Amelia was acting very impolite all morning — screaming at us, slamming doors, throwing things. When Marie was trying to brush her teeth Amelia tried to hit. So we didn’t let her get any treats.
Stayed home with Amelia today since she left school sick yesterday. From a parental perspective she is bounding with energy and back to her normal self, so I think whatever she had passed with the evening, but she has to be fever free for 24 hours and she was still warm when she went to sleep. I don’t mind watching her but it reminds me why I felt a little unhinged whenever I had to work and watch her.
Stayed up late last night talking to Marie about my feelings. I haven’t smoked in a while and around dinner time I spilled some butter on my pants and like really lost my cool. It wasn’t scary, but it was definitely a strong reaction to a simple issue. It really threw me off the rest of the evening. At dinner I couldn’t help but feel afraid.
Truth be told the past few days (9/3/21 – 9/6/21) have all been back dated. I was feeling crazy burnt out form work, and that turned into a dread surrounding my personal projects. I am going to back date the days because I don’t want to lose my streak. However, I think it was well needed. There’s a self-imposed pressure when it comes to following through on projects, and I know I can be my own worst enemy. So I decided to let it go for some me time.
It’s Labor Day here in the states. That means very little if you don’t have a desk job. For service employees, grocery store workers, and all our other hard-working neighbors it means supporting the class above you so you forever know your place. I got the day off, and I got it paid. But a lot of the people I manage didn’t get paid because PTO is reserved for after 2 years, because that’s how you celebrate the workers of a nation. It means little to me besides the fact I got some alone time with Amelia. Sorry to say, however, that even that didn’t feel the same. Yesterday might have been an extra Saturday but today just felt like a heightened Sunday. I would look at the clock expecting it to be later only to find the slow creep of the holiday inching forward.
The peace of knowing it is the last day of the weekend but not the last day of your time off is a rare bliss. It is the anxiety of finite time melting into a little bit more. It is Sunday ennui turned into Saturday doppelganger. You know the feeling you get when you step on a particularly crunchy leaf, and as you move your foot away the form is the same but your ear drums are still buzzing from the satisfaction? That is the undead Sunday. That is indulging to be rewarded with deeper depravities. I didn’t do a god damn thing of note today except laze about with my family and that’s all I could want.
COVID test came back negative so I could finally go out and do some chores. Tried to sell my car again because my parents were able to fill out the release papers that California requires. However, when I went to the CarMax, they didn’t have the paperwork. Instead, it got sent to one of their facilities about 75 miles west.