9-5-23
Got a little grumpy this morning because we got to work late. I hate getting to work late. It’s unprofessional, but it also scares me. It’s rude, to be sure, but I don’t care much about that. It’s more the reality that it’s a ding against me. Even if it’s just a drop in the bucket, I don’t know how deep my proverbial bucket is, especially at a job as new as this.
I am auditing my own work now, which is a huge step towards independence and growth within the company, and I think I’ve made a good name for myself so far. But I have my worries, and my fears. Job hunting is tedious and difficult, and often leads to little to no results. More so, securing a job with good growth is even rarer.
We were late because we left late. And we left late because we had to drive Marie’s younger sister back to the city because she has school. I’m sure making another detour, after leaving a few minutes late, when our schedule is already pretty fined tuned with only a little wiggle room didn’t help. But I don’t think my frustration was much needed, either.
I think it’s just an unhealthy way to disperse my stress. The unfortunate reality is that it seldom helps to spread that anxiety around. Part of me wants others to be as stressed as me, especially when they are the cause of my stress. We would have been on time if we left according to the time we agreed on. But what can you do about a college freshman, am I right?
There’s nothing I hold against Marie’s sister. She’s going through a lot of changes parallel from us. It makes me miss college—miss the redwoods and the simplicity of it all before it got so complicated so quickly. Introspection is important. Looking back on what was, and remains to be, important to me is essential for growth. But lately I find my thoughts wandering to feelings of “what if.”
What if I could go back and do it all again? What would I do if I went back with the knowledge I have now? Would I regret going back knowing what I do now?
There’s nothing I want more than happiness, and sometimes it’s hard to see happiness when it’s right in front of you. I never want to leave my kids. I never want to lose my family. Maybe all I’m asking for is a bit more grace and respect. I can drive you to school, but that means you have to understand why I need to be to work on time; I can extend my hand so long as you understand it’s me picking you up.
Maybe it’s all about letting go, taking what I can get, and going from there.
Love you mom, dad, sis, kitty, Marie, Amelia, Emerson
- E.B.
Ed Boy 