9-13-23
Today was a pretty nice day. I finally got to go back to my office, so no more sticky tables, coffee, and Taylor Swift being played at full blast.
Even nicer was the fact that I got a free lunch. Our manager bought us sandwiches from a pretty nifty joint down the road. The taste and quality definitely deserved the price. I got some grilled chicken with spicy mayo on Dutch Crunch bread. Pepper jack cheese, and all the fixings (sans pepperoncini). It was quite filling. The funny highlight of my day was eating what remained of the lunch I brought in the car ride home. Imagine a man in the passenger seat of a Honda CRV eating a chicken wing without trying to get any on his shirt and that was me.
It was nice seeing my co-workers in person again. It helped having immediate answers to my questions instead of getting left on read in the group chat. The downside was that, when I caught up on my work, I had to look busy. Normally, when I’m working by myself, I could take the downtime to type, or check my phone. But we don’t really type for our position so I didn’t want to draw suspicion, and I thought it would be pretty unprofessional to be on my phone.
Puttering around isn’t so bad. I’m still collecting a paycheck, and doing the work as it comes in. I’ve just gotten to a point where my work flow is busiest in the morning and afternoon. That late morning, right before my meetings, is usually when I find the slowness to set in. I’m not complaining, but I don’t want to get in trouble for not doing something that isn’t there in the first place.
I don’t worry about that stuff too much anymore. My new position is a lot more rewarding, welcoming, and professional. I don’t have to worry about my flaws being held against me. The whole reason I had flaws was because the balance of the workload at my previous position was a joke. In the end, though, it did grant me great time management skills.
The evening was nice. We had pizza for dinner and I absolutely love pizza. I’d eat that for dinner most nights if I could. It’s warm, but still delicious cold. There’s no prep if you’re ordering takeout. And it’s rather filling.
Washed the kids a little early, which gave me time to shower, and then put them down. I always find my patience worn thin at the end of the day due to exhaustion, and I dislike that. It means I get a little snappy with my kids. And I think a big part of that is a problem I’ve discussed before: I like taking the evenings to wind down a bit and get a little enjoyment for myself. But at that same time my interactions with my kids are so limited due to my schedule I want to take all I can get.
I know I have to give myself grace. I might get snappy, but I’ve been working very hard at not raising my voice, communicating well, and meeting them in the middle. Emerson is one so he’s not really the issue. But Amelia is five, and going through a lot of developmental changes, and I just want her to be the best she can be. That being said, call me a projector, because I also want that for myself.
While it might come with the best of intentions, I can’t let her be better for me. I have to be the best me for them, in hopes that their true selves shine through.
Love you Amelia, Emerson, Marie, mom, dad, sis, kitty
– E.B.
Ed Boy 