Flavorless

2/11/26

Smoking feels like such a chore now. It always has been, to a degree, but it’s changed.

It’s hard to admit when you have a problem. But it’s easy to talk about having a problem. I have a smoking problem. By no means am I smoking an obscene amount in a day. It is more the consistency and the building of a schedule around being able to smoke. Or looking forward to the next moment I can step out to smoke.

I smoke one—occasionally two—black and milds a day. I’ll usually start one in the afternoon, smoke the same one again after work, then again before bed, and sometimes if there’s a butt left I’ll smoke that in the morning on a fifteen minute break.

Just writing it all down sounds exhausting. I’m spending anywhere from five to thirty minutes out there, depending.

And it’s not just tobacco—I have a vape pen I hit as well. I love the feeling in my brain—that elation and levity. But it’s fleeting, and I’ve realized I can and should find that levity through other sources. It’s healthy to find other things to look forward to.

It’s hard because there’s no immediate release like with nicotine or weed. I am a very active person in terms of time spent. I have trouble relaxing, and the smoking gives me a moment where I can be doing something with an immediate effect, while engaging in something with a slower burn like watching a video.

The problem I set myself up for is that I begin to associate those feelings together. The videos are watched with a nicotine release or a mild high and there is a toxicity woven into that relationship. So when I try to stop smoking I have trouble getting over that hump. All my favorite things are tied to the release of smoking and getting high that they feel flavorless after.

It is a personal problem, and one that I feel more equipped to handle now that we are moved out.

My pen cartridge ran out today, and the pen itself has been giving me troubles. As much as I love it on sandwich I struggle with going cold turkey. Yet, I find I don’t have the control to ween myself off.

Here’s to trying something hard, and giving myself space to fail. Here’s to making a hard choice for a better life. Here’s to choosing something for myself.

Wishing you all the best,

• E.B.