2/15/26
This morning Emerson sat in my lap, leaned against my chest, and let me play with his hair. I parted it, ran my fingers through it, and just generally gave him a little baby massage. I also niced his face a bit. It’s basically running my fingers over him lightly—like brushing skin.
Marie and I would nice each other’s backs or arms when we were dating when we wanted to help the other person relax. Marie enjoy when I nice her face, but I have always had an aversion to people touching my face. It creates a dissonance in me that feels catastrophic. I know disaster will not follow if someone touches my face, but it’s as if a white noise being pressed into itself until bursting. I’m able to let Marie or the kids touch my face for a bit, but after a while the feeling begins to crawl under my skin toward my chest, so I usually excuse myself.
I tried to build a cupboard Marie’s parents got us as a gift that we had in storage. I was disappointed to find it was missing a crucial piece—some brackets—that made it too much of a hassle to work around. The thought of assembling it, and then trying to finagle a way to add those pieces down the line, seemed pretty close to the bottom of the bucket. It remains semi-assembled while I await a response from the company. Hopefully the will mail me the missing hardware, even though it was purchased around six months ago.
Marie’s sister picked Amelia up today to hang out. She is spending the night at Marie’s parent’s place since she doesn’t have school tomorrow.
After an impromptu grocery session, Marie, Emerson, and myself ate a late breakfast for dinner meal. We showered at the same time and then chilled on the couch. I will need to watch my swearing more now since Emerson called another racer in Mario Kart a “fucking crazy.” How many other vices of mine shall I have to relinquish?
As much as I feel l have an urge to smoke it doesn’t have the same hold over me. The real desire now is to find what makes me happy—find my drive. But for now I will take it step-by-step.
Self-healing and wellness is a lifelong pursuit. I am content (for now) to be in the beginning phase of a fresh start.
To all my family with love,
- E.B.
Ed Boy 