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Losing Myself

2/5/20

I had a bad dream last night. I was all over the place. Men were falling from the sky, crouched, with long, sharp fingers. They would kill you immediately if you questioned it. If you didn’t say anything then were just there. Marie said it was time for her to join them.

The world ripped open into a magenta apocalypse—the world being torn apart by a dimensional portal. Marie tried to sacrifice herself, but as I tried to save her I got sucked in in her place. I remember screaming harder in my dream than I ever have before. When I awoke (in my dream) Marie was alive and the universe was fine. But I knew there was now a universe where Marie & Amelia had been separated from me.

Marie woke me up (in real life) and said “you have to go to work” and it was already 7:50. We made plans to meet for lunch, but I was feeling weird, so I self-sabotaged the event by pre-emptively spoiling the mood. My rationale (at the time) was that I didn’t want Marie & I to waste time only for me to ruin the mood when we were already there.

For that, & other, unrelated events, I made Marie cry. Well, she cried from anxiety’s lovely “insecurity” power, but I still feel partly responsible.

It is a little past 9:00 and we are ok. Amelia is asleep and shortly I will be, too. For now I fight the urge to smoke. We’ll see who wins.

I love my daughter, wife, sis, mom, & dad, & cat

E.B.

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