Gauntlet

2/19/26

Today had some highs and lows.

I am trying a difficult gauntlet in the MMORPG I play and made it the furthest I have since I stayed (last night). I am trying to take it day-by-day and really commit to improving, not just succeeding on the first try. I’m hoping this creates a positive feedback loop in which succeeding at it will lend a motivation to continue my other passions.

However, I lost my cool a couple times on Emerson. I took the morning off so I could take him to his physical. The wind was absolutely howling this morning when we woke up—enough that it blew some trees down on the main road out of town. Marie left before us. When I was getting Amelia and Emerson in the car he kept whining about how he didn’t like his jacket zipped up. I don’t know why it got to me but I just sort of snapped. Part of it (I think) is that I take so much time to be patient and nothing comes from it. But when I am gruff, grumpy, grouchy dad my kids listen. Well, they obey more than they listen, and it doesn’t make me feel great.

Today was the first day I didn’t walk Amelia up to school. We just drove up and dropped her off. It was raining too hard and Emerson didn’t want to get out, and (feeling ashamed about my attitude only a few minutes before) decided I would press the issue.

When we got home I had him take a short nap on the couch. I played on my phone.

But then, again, on the way to the doctors I lost my cool. I don’t even remember what it was about, which makes it all that much more sad to me. There was no reason for me to raise my voice. I could’ve gotten out of the parked car, taken a moment to breathe and decompress, then try again. He is only three so I doubt he understands my exhaustion. In reality I should’ve gone to bed earlier last night.

The tension evaporated almost as soon as we got out of the parking lot, but I still felt bad. I shouldn’t yell at my kids, especially at my son. There is no excuse, but when I was unpacking it I think I’m just exhausted from having to constantly explain why what I’m doing is proper for them. I just want him to wear a jacket and shoes that aren’t sandals when it’s wet.

In reality I think I’ve been struggling with my emotions a bit since my brain has been leveling out from lack of smoking. I know it’ll get better, and I will learn from my mistakes, but it is hard to shake that shame.

The rest of the day was fine, I suppose. Work was kind of a shit show. A candidate was rude to me for some stupid bullshit that we had talked about literally less than 24 hours prior, but their recruiter was on my side. The end of the day came fine.

Marie cooked dinner, I chilled with the kids, and got time to run my gauntlet in the evening. Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow is a new day. I will get to try again, and I will get to try to be better. That is all I can ask for, and it is what I will embrace.

To my family with love,

• E.B.