Refund

2/19/20

I wonder what happened today. If I can’t remember something is that becaust it was too big or too small to be remembered? Not to say that I remember nothing, but more to say that I worry I remember nothing correctly. How can I recall with 100% accuracy? My memory works like yours. But when a memory works is it us, or only part of us? Is my memory an extension of me, or is it a part of a whole that I presume to inhabit?

How can we be sure of what we think, do, & experience when our brain is telling us (and itself) what to do? I think about the level of understanding that needs to go into writing a diary, and it blows me away. 24 years bave passed – 24 times I’ve been around the sun. And for what? A brain that questions everything, even itself? Where do I rectify that? Is there any chance for a refund? No? Well fuck.

I took Amelia to school again today. She didn’t cry when I left. All my bosses came to town today, but they met with my boss & not me. I feel like good things are about to happen to me at work, but I am cautious to bring them up.

You know what they say: someone can still pull the rug out from the carpet you’re looking at. No one has said that. I thought I was being clever. The night passed without note. Marie & I are still sort of tense, but she’s been tired and I’ve been…

I don’t really know how to explain it.

Love you mom, dad, sis, Marie, Amelia, & Alexander

E.B.