Birth

1-16-21

I’m writing this one in the dark in bed, at a point so late that time doesn’t even matter. I’m lucky enough to have a job that I work Monday through Friday so that means I wring every minute out of the weekend I can because I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Two of my best friends had their 25th birthday today. I didn’t necessarily know what to say because to me it feels like we’ve grown apart. That’s normal, I guess. I moved out of state for school then found out I was going to have a baby and here we are. Our lives took their own routes and I don’t regret it but sometimes I worry.

Talking to Marie helped me sum up my feelings: I miss my friends a lot and I worry that since they don’t engage with me all that often they don’t actually think of me as a friend in the same way that I think of them as a friend. I want them to reach out to me more and try and bridge the slowly-developing gap between us. However, I am too nervous to talk to them about it because if that is the case I suppose (in this moment) I would rather live in a perpetual state of not knowing and trying not to care about what they truly think of me if it means I don’t have to accept my oldest friendships as having run their course.

Until I open the box the friendships are in they exist in a temporal state of being both alive and dead so if I don’t ever open the box to check then they’ll remain the same and I’ll always feel the way I do now.

Wait…

Happy birth Stod and Dee. I love you and everybody else.
-E.B