Shade

6-12-21

Went to SeaWorld today with Amelia, Marie, and her family. It was nice. They had just reopened but even then it was pretty damn crowded. We did a few kiddy rides in the morning for Amelia, then went and got lunch. After that we split up; Marie and I took Amelia to paint her face and Marie’s family went to a ride. We met up, did a couple more rides, then watched the orca show. They all looked so sad and it made me feel bad. We meandered more over by the manta rays.

I lost my cool on Amelia. She wanted a toy but I told her to wait since we were going to do stuff. She started screaming and stomping so I picked her up to bring her back to the family. She pinched and hit me and I was tired and annoyed so I smacked her butt once. She blew up more. I had to give her over to Marie’s parents. We split up again. Marie and her sister went on a ride with me and Amelia took a nap. I was not happy with myself for most of the rest of the evening. Why did I flip out? There was a lot of people and I was nervous and anxious but that’s not an excuse. An explanation, maybe.

Amelia had forgotten by the time she woke up. I will most likely never let it go. It won’t be the specter of death, but it will be a shade of disappointment. We enjoyed dinner together, went on some more rides, got her her toys, then left after the park closed. It was a good day overall, but I have marred its memory with my own imperfections. Yet again.

-E.B.