Drove back from Marie’s parents’ house. Picked up their dogs in the morning and made sure they were comfortable before we left. Enjoyed the drive home since Amelia was asleep. Not often we drive home during the day. We always leave late. Once we got home we went to my daughter’s friend’s third birthday. It was at a rose garden near a park we go to often. It was hot and my forehead got sunburnt. However, with Marie’s encouragement, I did a lot of socializing. I tried to introduce myself to everyone there, and I even had a few conversations. I was very proud of myself for following through with socializing which, rather consistently, is one of the harder things on my personal list.
This comes from the fact that I am always worried about doing or saying something wrong. I want to be polite. I want to make people feel included. At times, though, it is politeness to a fault; wanting so badly to make a good first impression that you don’t make one at all.
I remember first feeling this anxiety freshman year of high school. I especially felt it in my geography class which was before (and after) my lunch break. I think that was more the fact that I didn’t know anyone at my new school, and felt like I was constantly doing something wrong.
That feeling hasn’t stopped, mind you, but it has evolved. Or I’ve grown to accommodate the feeling instead of trying to silence it. Let the awkward exist with the others as the awkward helps define the whole. Essentially, stop being afraid to be yourself for the sake of being what others appreciate.