Above All Else

9-15-21

Finally recognized a pattern within myself. More specifically a pattern of anger and frustration that I take out on my family. It’s based around my making expectations out of an evening and expecting everyone else to follow. For example: last night I wanted to stream. Amelia and I got home from picking Marie up around 8:50, but Marie was getting ready and I was helping with Amelia so the baby girl didn’t lay down until 9:30. And I’ve been beat so I knew 9:30 was too late to start playing. So I got frustrated and used my anger as a driving point rather than just accepting defeat and trying again the next day.

I know I’m going around in circles with everything I do. Work frustrates me and has gotten to the point where that frustration spills over into home. At work I don’t feel motivated to do anything because I’m underpaid, so I slack. Then on the way home I decompress but something triggers me and my work frustration fuels my base frustration. And then at home I’ll know I have to send out my team’s itinerary’s so I’ll do it right before bed or right as I wake up before they’re on site. So I feel the imbalance of not having a work life balance.

It’s like this: be upset at home because I’m doing work -> go to work -> have too much and feel burnt out/have a lax day and slack to recover -> go home -> realize I have work responsibilities -> do work at home -> repeat.

It’s not fair to me but above all else it’s not fair to my family. And that makes me feel terrible.

-E.B.

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