1/24/20
With very little regret I am here to tell you I drank again tonight. 750mL of tequila was only $11.00 at Safeway so I figured I might as well kill myself a little quicker. It is 9:07pm right now and I have consumed at least 3 tequila sunrises. That’s a lot of day. I am not drunk, per se, but I don’t feel sober, either. My ends are unraveled, yet they are not untwined.
Every night I write these diary entries while my family relaxes in the bed to my left. It feels right. Consistent. Sometimes I worry I’ll die suddenly but at least that brings the relief of closure to me. I don’t think I’m a bad person, but even then death seems to come for us all.
Today at work, while on the phone with Marie, I held a lady bug on my finger. If I had to guess when the last time I held a lady bug, it would probably be years ago. I would’ve still been in school, tucked into the redwoods, constantly smoking, constantly wondering when I would start. When I got my fill I had the lady bug crawl onto a tree where I noticed a camouflaged insect. It had probably been there the whole time.
I wonder how many things go unseen because of our focus on what is right in front of us. I wonder what things would bite us if they were snakes. A bit of everything, I’m almost sure.
Eternally I love my wife, mom, dad, sister, & daughter
E.B.
Ed Boy 