One Way or Another

3-24-21

Not much to report on for today. Woke up, felt the day begin before I did, and kept up as best I could. I now have meetings on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s and I flat out don’t like them.

There’s too much time wasted. Every Tuesday I have meetings for an hour and a half, but so do at least 4 other people, which equates to six hours of production lost. I truly don’t care all that much because I don’t think people should be forced to work in order to not die on the streets, but even then if I decide to come to work I would like to at least work.

I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I could come in, have a list of work to do, and whenever I finish I’m done for the day. It’s silly to me that I can have nothing to do but am expected to sit around and wait for something to do as if that’s proactive in any way. The work is done so what does it matter if it only took me six hours instead of eight? What does time matter if the outcome is the same one way or another?

I haven’t smoked in a while but I had a dream last night where I bought a pack of cigarettes and was looking forward to smoking. I won’t buy any, but the dream was uncomfortably vivid. There was the shame in knowing I was breaking my clean streak, mixed with the self-fulfilling desire of doing something for myself at the expense of my own health. How frustrating to be able to make your own choices while knowing they destroy you in the end.

Love you mom, dad, sis, Marie, Amelia, kitty
-E.B.

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