Leaving the Pool

6-21-22

Took Amelia to the pool again. That same family was there again, too. They say they go all the time and they’re there all day and I don’t think they were lying. Marie took Amelia while I was finishing work, so I showed up a little after them. One of that family’s kids has picked on Amelia since day one. We tell her to stand her ground and not let him be mean, but she’s not used to it. They got out and I tried swimming with Amelia. Marie heard them talking some drama but I couldn’t because I was focused on the enormous helicopter circling our apartment very closely.

As we swam Amelia wanted to go say hi to the kids, but I knew that wasn’t a good idea. We kept our distance but she wouldn’t take no for an answer, and even when I tried to distract her it was always back to the kids. She really started freaking out so I told her to go take a break, then Marie said it’s time to go home and she lost it.

She cried really hard. We got ready real quick and as I held her to go she yelled as loud as she could “I don’t love you daddy, I don’t love you anymore.” It was odd. Only then, as we were leaving, she also yelled “I don’t want to go home” with such sadness. She’s been locked up with me in quarantine for over a year now. She was going to school and loving it before things closed up. Then Marie graduated so she couldn’t go back.

When we got home I asked Amelia if she was sad and she said yes. I asked “all the time, like when you’re home with me,” and she said yes. I know she’s been lonely, we all have been, but the sadness in her saying she didn’t want to come home really got to me. I cried in front of her because I was really sad. I wanted her to see me cry.

Truth be told it was a mixture of a lot of things: she had taken a nap the day before at the same time as the meltdown, she went to bed late and woke up early, Monday’s are usually difficult days with us, and every other thing in between.

I know she still loves me. When I first had these thoughts about when Amelia would eventually scream that she hates me my response was always something along the line of “well tough shit because I’ll always love you.” That helped in context. It still hurt my feelings, but I was more sad that in that moment leaving the pool was the worst thing to happen to her (in her eyes).

Crunching some numbers and starting the process of looking for daycare/school for her so she can be free.

Love you Amelia, forever.
-E.B.