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Mar the Experience


It was another hard day, only in a different way than yesterday. Hard mentally rather than emotionally.

One of my parent’s car’s tire was flat so they brought it to a local Firestone to get fixed. Couldn’t patch it so they had to wait all day for tires from another shop to be brought over and fixed. Not bad because Marie was able to bring Amelia and Emerson over for some fun at the pool. I stayed home and worked. All day I was sad or angry or a sickening mixture of both. The worst parts of the day were when I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Just like a walking statue.

I’m stressed with work already and it’s only been a week. My boss essentially gave me another task while my coworker is out on their own leave. That rubbed be the wrong way because I planned months in advance for coverage but they couldn’t with him? Seems short sighted. But I don’t know why I’m surprised. Every time there’s something new shoehorned into the process operations (my department) is forced to take on the extra work.

My naïveté got the best of me while I was on leave, so I mistakenly returned to work thinking they’d give a shit that I’d be working full time with a newborn but alas. I know I chose to have a child, but I don’t understand why I personally need to take on extra work, especially now.

Beyond that, right around the time Marie got home with the kids I had a grumpy spell and spoiled the mood. Talked to Marie later in the evening about my behavior and what she’s noticed. I’ve been steadily declining—more and more irritable, shorter patience span, always snapping and barking. Even right now I feel on the verge of tears. Nearly fell asleep at my desk today but couldn’t/didn’t want to. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my own form of self punishment. Only it’s a vicious cycle because I don’t sleep, become irritable, take it out on my family, feel bad, and then feel exhausted.

Even though I try to love myself and give room for imperfection I am finding it hard to understand when, especially when my imperfections directly affect the ones I love. My parents will leave within the week and I worry my mood will mar the experience.



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