Difference Between Fear

3-1-21

March has arrived which means I’m slowly approaching my own personal record for daily diary posts. I started this blog at the beginning of 2020 with the goal of writing just a bit each day. I did very well until the country (and world, by proxy) began to dissolve a little bit at the edges.

This time around is a little more simple for me. I’m taking it one day at a time, letting the process carry itself, and doing my best to write with limited vision. My left eye is being a champ. But my right eye has only seen to getting worse these past few days. The medicine I got prescribed from the urgent care doesn’t seem to be working because when I woke up my eye was more red and more swollen than ever before.

I should specify that the issue seems to be with the eyelid more than the eye itself, but even then I’m not stoked. Even then I can’t be sure. That’s not something I feel great about, either. I don’t like not knowing. Knowing wouldn’t necessarily solve the problem, but there’s a power in understanding. Powerlessness is sure to follow based on how much change we can enact with that understanding, but even then having a semblance of familiarity (to me) is the difference between fear and acceptance.

Part of me is afraid this will get worse. I told one of my coworkers and she gave me advice on some soothing methods because she’s had a lot of eye problems before. She said she had cancer in one eyelid and I am petrified of that reality. Oh well. My appointment is tomorrow so I’ll find out one way or another. Here’s to hoping!

Love you dad, mom, sis, Amelia, Marie, kitty
-E.B.

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