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Blank Texts

4/8/21

I’ve been upset with Marie lately for something she did a few years ago. I won’t go into detail but she broke my trust really bad, and then a little over a year later revealed that she had broke it even more. I’m not holding a grudge. I’m just dealing with the fact that my life partner isn’t the person I made them out to be and sometimes I don’t know how to reconcile with that.

Obviously no one’s perfect, and we are all fallible, but even then I don’t always give a fuck. It’s just, like, trust is a rare commodity. And trusting breeds more trust. So each day I will trust and each day I will try, but that doesn’t mean I’ll feel good or like it all that much. I think love depends on being loved and being able to love. And being able to love means having the patience to allow someone to do better.

I don’t know. I don’t really care all that much. That’s a lie because I do care very much, but choosing to be indifferent feels better in the short term than taking a stand and doing something. It’s not as if I don’t do something, but expecting overnight solutions leads to morning disappointment.

Whenever I’m upset about what Marie did I’ll send her a blank text—like just a space mark—to indicate that I am thinking and feeling one way but am choosing not to put it into words. The choice can come from multiple places. Like my thoughts could be coming from a place of anger and venting them to myself while letting Marie know they exist (without embodying them) helps let them exist and be free. Or it could be because I don’t know what I’m feeling.

One way or another I’m doing my best to communicate my needs and feelings, and sending a blank text is a good way for her to set her expectations about a conversation, and prepare for whatever I need to get off my chest.

Love you Amelia,

-E.B.

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