Change in Attitude

8-11-21

Beyond the commute and the schedule adjustments, I think the hardest part about coming back to the office is the shift in attitude. What I mean is this: when work was slow at home I could fill in the void. However, I would feel guilty that I was doing non-work related activities while I was supposed to be working. However, not that I’m in shop all that has shifted. Self-induced anxiety has been replaced with ennui-induced anxiety.

It’s been getting worse during the day because I feel so restless yet stagnant. I sit and work and when my chest starts to constrict I’ll do my breathing exercises or stretch or something but I always feel it here. Part of me thinks it is the atmosphere. Simply being in a boring, stuffy office is never a real great treat. But then a part of me thinks it’s my fear of getting Covid mixed with my distaste of the work as a whole, sprinkled with realities of depression.

I miss Amelia. I miss Marie. My day-to-day shifted entirely almost overnight and I won’t be surprised if/when it shifts again due to the delta, or the workflow, or whatever. There’s so much going on. I’m grateful to be at the shop because it gets me to write more, but in the end I feel so isolated here. It’s like I’m drowning and I have the power to stop it. Only I can’t, because paperwork is due and assessments need to go out and I am me.

-E.B.