Is Rumbling

7-21-22

I talked to Marie about how I’ve been feeling off lately. Not bad, just weird. As in my tummy is rumbling, but it doesn’t make me anxious.

For more context I have been feeling like a change is going to come. And I think it has. Something about today made me say this was my last day smoking and it’s never felt that way. Usually I say it as a bargain to not feel bad about my habit growing and me smoking more. However, I finished what I had and then felt satisfied. More so I remembered the feeling from the night before and how level headed I felt.

Among other things I’m trying to give up soda for a bit. I’m a die hard Diet Pepsi fan, but it ended up where I’d be drinking like three cans a day. Not the worst, per se, but definitely not something I want to commit to. The funny thing is caffeine doesn’t really do anything to me. I just love that crisp, chemical effervescence.

Finally, I have been sad about my relationship to Amelia. It’s not bad, but it’s definitely different now that the baby’s here. It’s to be expected. There’s a lot you can plan and prep for, but when the situation actually arrives there’s can be some delays to adjustments. In general there is a tension when it comes to taking care of an infant, and an eager, excited 4.5 year old can sometimes be a lot to handle. Not bad, just a lot. She’s got so much energy and drive and spark and I can see the way my frustrations tend to blossom quick with her. I don’t want to be the one who smooshes her true self into a corner just so my life is easier (read: so I have more control).

Ended the night by sitting down and talking with Amelia so I could get some next steps for myself. She was honest once we got talking, and realized there was better on the way.

A little longer post than normal, but I’ve been enjoying writing a lot more. Been feeling confident about it again. Let’s hope this ball keeps rolling!

-E.B.